Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
