Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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