Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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