you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
