dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
please come you make the beer taste better
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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