Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
This house was built for laser tag.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Randomize
