Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I need a burrito and a hug.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
