So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Randomize
