I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
