Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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