well I can't set my house on fire every night
Someone shit on the floor
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
