I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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