I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
