My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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