I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
