I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
