if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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