My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
