So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
