Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
