Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
