I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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