Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
