Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
