i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So vagazzling was a success
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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