We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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