mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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