Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
