Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
