i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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