I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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