my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
