Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Found the puke drawer
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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