I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
