Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
