Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
