i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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