We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
