i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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