Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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