Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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