i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
