did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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