We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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