go do what you do best...puke behind churches
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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