you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
