I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
