I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
