I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
