you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't deserve a penis
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
God I need to hump something, right now.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
