So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
