A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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