Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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