How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
